03.04.21

POP today. With a couple songs I know he hates, in my ears. I know this because we’ve argued about them, teased each other about them.

Not the China man that adopted me, but the man that offered shelter.

We were both baking bread yesterday. That bizarre synchronicity that’s existed for over a quarter a century. From food, music, literature, philosophy, politics, sensitivities. Sitting with him and Eddy, November 94 relishing our mutual hatred of Gingrich. The nights at Alba, 8 covers, a glass of wine, knowing we didn’t make enough to pay the bills.

Gratitude

1. Saying “It’s your dad” over Gregs walkie talkie at Noels wedding “Reception”

2. Shaking your hand at Noels Funeral

3. Opening that letter from you in Tigard

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Sterling Beat
03.03.21

Is it just an over reacting doctor? Red Cells Low White Cells High. It could be nothing, it could be anything. It could be everything.

Grant me the serenity.

Danny made it to the hospital. He called me at that moment. Almost a year to the day from when Jakey was at that moment. Suicide watch.”Death In The Park”

Gratitude
1. a phone call with “Parker” in 30
2. a loaf(?!)
3. gotta check on the birds

Laundry day. 2nd step tonight. 54*, clear skies.

Accept things I cannot change.

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DEAD FLOWERS

03.02.21

Well, Danny, I’m really happy you called last night. I wish it had been under different circumstances, but, considering where we met, I shouldn’t be surprised. I hope you found your way to the hospital. I won’t know until your discharge. IF you call me then. GODSPEED BOYO. Maybe I was unintentionally sending you messages with the song suggestions you didn’t want to hear. You’ve got to on this boyo.

The cards say there’s comfort in cutting yourself off, today. A comfort I know that I udecan’t afford, nor do I want it.

Gratitude

1. Lack of comfort
2. Maintaining Contact
3. Said Gun

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03.01.21

Rabbit, Rabbit

Reminded again, why you aren’t my sponsor. Your intensity, bordering on mania, can be a bit much for me.

I managed to say “Rabbit Rabbit” first thing this morning.

“Beloved Woman”, you’re head a bopping to synth pop covers our friends made. My heart swells.

Bills to pay, dust leopards to eradicate. I intend on listening to some talks on Attachment today. Chew upon the difference between “Non-Attachment” and “Unattachment”. The difference between atone and amend. “The Poisoned Mine”

Gratitude
1. Dreams of Jakey
2. Communication with Doctors
3. “All My Trials”

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02.26.21

“Always mixing molotovs, in solitude, try to fix the score”

One night of an official 10th step inventory. I’m already checking my actions and motivations with a new lessons.

“Have A Cup Of Tea”

Gratitude
1. plenty of Clean socks
2. The front half of the apartment to pad around in and listen to dharma talks
3. So much to chew on, while the yeasts their magic with the sugars

Turnip farts are a thing, huh? Dark rye with chocolate and cherries is a thing, huh? Lack of ego is a thing, isn’t it? But is it something to be “achieved” or “strove for”? Don’t those terms contain ego? Caught in the semantic lounge again, until Lady Olive comes wandering in to determine her perch for the morning.

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02.25.21

Nothing to say. (Really? Probably not). Theme song morning, harking back to precancer days. An inside joke, from one of my best “employees”.

I really wish that you would look for something to be grateful for, I know you’ve got things. We’ve been friends for 30 years. Right now it’s the nervous rescue dog. Last month the wife and the boy fighting. Before that, the eldest not contacting you enough, or staying with you during his break. I could go ON for chapters. I literally could. I love you man.

Gratitude
1. The squiggly red line of spell check
2. A solid Re-Mix of Public Enemy by MF Doom
3. A bread experiment in the wings

No bull shite. My walls draped with memory.

RACER X

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02.23.21

I NEED (quintuple exclamation point) to be dissolved in sound today. The sheet of ice has disengaged from the brick wall, a pile of broken winter on the landing. Forty Degrees. Four Zero. A new meeting format may have been just what I needed, my ass lightly kicked, a rearrangement of the routine.

(TAKING STEPS TAKING NAMES)

Gratitude
1. Enough Energy to skip my nap today
2. A chicken Dinner in my future
3. VOLUME

The cards say to dance on the on the new life growing upon the fallen tree.

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02.21.21

“WE can make seconds feel hours”. Sums it up. The cards say the pace is old. This rings with the acknowledgment that it’s time to change the routine.

Two years, undoes some of the damage. I’m done romanticizing my scars.

Gratitude
1. Adaptability
2. Being with friends in this new form
3. Acceptance

“I have been right with you all along”
That Buddha nature. Turning the eyes towards the navel during meditation. The original way in which our mothers fed us. (I recognize I’m switching back to 3rd person, damnit)

Bread to make, with new to me flour. Old formulas, new ingredients.
I’ve drawn up new ledgers. (Let’s keep ’em balanced, this spin around, eh, dumbass?)

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